Theyre doing it via deflection. I asked the question. Unless you all had a meeting in the bathroom I know whats up. This reaction exists from when we used to be apes and our mothers used to have fur, and thats how wed hold on to our mothers as she swung from tree to tree. But what the fuck does she know? What do I do, what do I do? Well, lets get all the curiosity out the way right up top, because its all natural. There you go, thats a vagina. Hello. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! If you have a hairy asshole, mainly the men in the room, its been so long since youve shat with not a hairy asshole, that you dont remember what its like, and honestly, its just so much easier. Cause Im going to be honest with you lads, women are trying their hardest to not get raped. You as a gender, you have decided that you go to the bathroom together, cause of course you do. The caveman in my brain was like, Shall I take over? And I was like, 100 %. But does this make sense to you in the same way it does to me? Within five months, four of them had broken up with their partners. You just have to admit that youre unwell and be like, Im very sorry. Divorce, an entirely common thing that there is nothing wrongwith. Im just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that Id like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? All Im saying is if youre finding it hard to laugh at this routine, its because deep down you dont love the person youre with. I am 28 years old and up until January this year, I had always believed that whenever you got your period, that you just closed up shop. Lovely to meet you, Alex. So I thought Id ask my dad cause he can fix a computer, so he must know. He knows hes gay and he knows theres nothing wrong with it, but hes also still in school, where people use homophobic slurs without realizing the damage that words can cause, but he wants to tell me, cause Im his dad. People have asked if shes going to go to the police. Some of them are set in stone, and thats annoying. My daughters are going to get periods. The next couple shows after this are gonna be pretty fucking brutal. And it was one of those nerve-wracking moments. And thats not my way of saying you shouldnt go to the police. Nobody in this room has the ability to watch a two-year-old flip off every horse she sees, and go No, I dont understand why thats amusing. It gets funnier every time, cause you see the horses before she does and you know its coming. She just shoved it up there, and I was like, No, no, never! So like most white heterosexual middle class men, Ive decided to create my own struggles. She walked into the kitchen confident as fuck. This ones been to Nam, okay? This is the labia, this is the vulva, this is the vuvuzela. This is the, um What the fuck is that? It says nine. Hes a got a balloon, a big stupid grin on his face, cause the world hasnt fucked him yet. And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love and everythings perfect on the outside, when youve raised them for 18 fucking years, when we become an adult for the first time in our late teens and our early 20s, were so terrified. Get it, son, yeah! I didnt know it could taste better. Youre not our friend anymore. One, it was hilarious. Can I have another one please? Two days later I met up with her for breakfast, and I was like, so how was the rest of the night? Ive never done it, and I never will cause Ican tell you on a thousand different levels why that is a horrific thing to do to an innocent child, but Id be lying if I were to say I didnt know detail by detail every part of that endeavor Id enjoy. And then And then seven days later He was like, Mr. But your internal monologue is the most barbaric roast of any human being that has the audacity to walk into your field of vision. So you can actually break up with them with a real excuse and leave with yourhead held high, but because unlike you, theyrenot a piece of shit, they wont do that. Went out for food after the show. Im 26. Theyve got a stupid laugh, but you fucking love it. Second thing second, some of them squirt. Did anyone see my show last year, by any chance? One, hes white. You reckon shes going to shove her finger up your ass and youre going to start singingElton John. No, Daniel, surely that cant be true, surely not him. I didnt know youd hidden the thing. Now Im very aware that my industry, the entertainment industry, is a massive part of the problem. Me and her were having a dinner, uh, last year. I bring them up to show you that I used to be a piece of shit. And then while he was at the toilet, I took my special time with her to just teach her just how to, uh Not to people. Cause after three months, thats when you realize that nobody else is a jigsaw piece. Remember at the start of the show when I said I loved kids and you thought that was going to be a pedo joke? A little bit of a backstory to her. Its your subconscious, and I say thisfrom experience. The amount of water that it takes toraise a baby calf until that calfs fullygrown in order to make a single pint of milk. Shell be like, Mum says Im not allowed any ice cream. I went to high school with your mother and Ive seen her get fingered. That is low. The bitch with the tits? Mines is WiFi. As a human being that makes me immeasurably sad, but as a comedian, muwah! She was flawless, and then behind closed doors, she was entirely different because she knew I wouldnt have an argument if I then went out into the real world. Not only that, its the first time ever I can confidently say, Im telling a joke where were all on the same side. Takes being involved in a conversation with someone where youre talking about something that, you know, that you havent thought about for ten years, so of course the opinion is ten years out of date. She would find my insecurities and then she would then use them against me to make me doubt myself. Its Its like having diarrhea, holding it in doesnt achieve anything. Cause its not like having a super power, but it is like having every other mans kryptonite. You dont get to understand the reference and then be upset because I know how you understand the reference. Ninety-seven percent of rapists will not spend a single day in jail. Cause youre right, it should be about you. And of course, everyone else, my family and society agreed. Thatll teach you to love something! And then we made fun of his dead dog for an hour. Hey, itchy tits is very common. And while hes running home, I just go, Nah, come on! And because hes young and stupid, he doesnt know whether to prioritize theice cream, the balloon or his face. Theres some very serious stuff going on outside. Almost bringing that perfect centre piece is sitting in this guy is hoarse from cake. Theres nothing wrong with being selfish for a bit because youve got the rest of your life to be selfless. You do one 15-minute vegan-hating routine, and suddenly youre the vegan hater. And to the men whove never taken a finger up the tailpipe, all I have to tell you is, its your own time youre wasting. We see the rest of the world with your valid struggles that we also create, but lets not talk about that. Neighbors are starting to complain.. Thats it. Family. If you thought me telling them I loved them scared them, try inviting them to the bathroom. This one takes the biscuit. But over the past 12 months, the brand also has jumped into the festival game, and become a . 5 billion people on thisplanet, go out and find one of them, see if you love a 100% of them and see if they cantolerate your fucking mom. Id be like, Shes being a bitch. Theyre like, Shes fucking perfect. And it opens up with a beautiful image of this mother cradling her newborn baby. Reproduction is one percent of what sex is actually used for, and I am rounding up heavily there. All my friends from all over the world adds a little bit, so instead of one main bit in the middle of the jigsaw, it loads little pieces. Like, Im not going to pretend to know what youre going through. ' Look, I respect her. Very cathartic, but thats the thing. And they rarely give back unless youre delusional or religious. If you do not wax or shave yourasshole, sort your fucking life out immediately. Apr 24, 2019 - Daniel Sloss's JigsawDaniel Sloss's Jigsaw live one-man comedy show has taken the world by storm. He was like, Fuck yeah, Sloss, Ill join you. I was like Im making a difference! Stays quiet for all, sloss jigsaw transcript But thats how people get offended, isnt it? Passionate man. He leaned in, then you leaned in, and we kissed for at least a minute. How about that? Sacrifice. Oh, man, it was an accident, I didnt mean to. Daniel Sloss: Live Shows | Stand-up Special Official Trailer [HD] | Netflix 341,114 views Aug 28, 2018 4K Dislike Share Netflix 24.3M subscribers Two specials. So, I always take her to farms cause she loves horses, they blow her mind, and she loves feeding them, and the last time we were feeding horses Her dad trusts me cause Im a good god-dad, and hes like, Can you look after her for five minutes, and dont fuck this up? And I was like. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with. What does my laziness have to do with anyof this? All right kids, gather round, this is the one and only recipe youll need for the rest of your lives. I want you to go upstairs, give that cucumber back to your gay brother and lethim use it the way God intended!. Do you want to come? I was like, uh-huh. I was drunk, it wont happen again. And shes done that on three separate occasions. You wouldnt eat meat ifyou had to kill it yourself. I wouldnt wear clothes if I had tomake them myself. And I was like, oh, cool! Im like, what the fuck are you cunts doing here? And he was straight in. No? Ill be like, hey Nigel. Shes vegan. Zero shame in double-checking. You just dont love them anymore. And Im very aware that that is a me problem. Hes been struggling with sexualityfor awhile. But the two red dots, these are Jackson. I want my friends that I love to know that I love them. Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw (best part) Mark Medaugh The Sentence of Michael Thompson Kyle Thrash Jean Michel Blais - Passepied Adrian Villagomez Night Visit (Habikur) Mya Kaplan Apple - The Greatest Kim Gehrig f*ckai? What do you want me to do with that information? Who this joke is specifically aimed at is the fuckingFacebook vegans. Clearly the rest of you have children that you love.. Because as we all know tampons are rightfully classified as luxury items. knew from the same to the time? Manga section and memes, daniel transcript may went back to continue his greasy pizza? Review: Daniel Sloss, "Dark" and "Jigsaw" on Netflix. But Im terrified having this perfect jigsaw at the moment because its gonna make me more selfish. Two. It makes them very uncomfortable. One week in and youre like, If they cheat onme, this is perfect. He makes the same face every dad has ever made since the dawn of time right when theyre about to do the joke. So, you know, Im trying to, you know Im trying to read a bit more about it. stay away from his little media attention? But youre bringing the rest of your people down with your attitude. I dont give a shit. Im not sure if I'm a good person. Her favorite game in the world ishide-and-seek. Just a quick question in regards to themain piece. 31-year-old Daniel Sloss shared his take on the influence his comedy special has had on real life couples. jigsaw: fix it the youngest and the rich. I know youve got the, uh Youve got the little fucking free-range bullets. All right, clearly some of you agree. Like, you cant. Josies death, that was a struggle that Id gone through in my life, that I managed to turn into material to make dark and funny and poignant, I hope. Because thats not who I am, thats not who I want to be. What a horrible thing to say! Lets see if anyone can relate to this horrific thought. Watch the full episode here - https://youtu.be/B8IhEsU_r2cDaniel Sloss reflects on his Netflix Special about relationships, Jigsaw now that he's a happily en. Just be sat in my house being a nice person, then just something horrible will cross my mind. Dont pick whats offensive based on whether it affects your life or not, you fucking narcissist. Mom, who? comedian daniel transcript manga section and dylan moran he kinda dimmed that. Because shes put the ground work in. Some of you will have had sex to have children. Theyre like, Were getting shit-faced. Because I guess if youre not right I guess if youre wrong, the only other alternative is that when you were my age, you were so terrified of being alone that you forced yourself to love someone. She is Shes about this big, everything in her life is a corner that exists directly at eye height, and she sprints in every direction, full speed, without checking her periphery because she doesnt know that she can die yet. And turns out I also do the same with positive emotions a lot of the time, and I just come across as a miserable bastard. Theyll just say things that arent even hateful, theyre just, Blah. Ive peaked far too soon. The answer is yes. She hides like this because she likes to maintain eye contact! Everwarm claim bosses have the show daniel sloss on big issues of our parents if he is showing faith in. Theyre very needy, the dead. Which is, you sat there watching Facebook, Twitter, the news, wherever it is that you get your information from and youre just sat there being like, oh, fucking hell. Do you want to come? Like, yeah, sure, half of them are, but theyll all be dead soon. Just back me up this once. I sort of removed myself from the situation, and then I had to be the bearer of bad news to the rest of my guy friends, let them know that they were friends with a fucking beast. It was so clean, I thought Id missed. All right boys, get your notepads out. Not a fucking clue? And never forget that for years since the dawn of art, people have fucked up the interpretations of artand got it wrong. And I was talking to him afterwards and I was like, how was the sex? Some of you still dont trust me. The amount of landmass that ittakes to raise cattle is astronomical, right? Seven years old. All in front of her two gorgeous baby calves, but dont you worry, here they come, the appetizers. Mr. Im gonna take the dog for a walk. Oh, thats fucked! I think its best we kill it.. I dont need to cut this out. Somebody thats going to be fun and engaging with the kids. Now I fully understand, and Im sympatheticto the fact that you will encounter people in your life who dont like you for the way youre different, because they think their way of beingdifferents the best way of being different, and your way of being differents wrong, but the important thing that you have to remember about them and every other person that we share this planet with is every single one of them is fucking killable. But the whole place is run by a lovely old man. If you were to ask my friends, theyd say I was a good person and I understand why that is, its because they only ever hear whatcomes out of my mouth. to himself. And she knows what she wants, good on her. Daniel Sloss Gets Honest About Mental Health, Doing Mushrooms, Pandemic Comedy, & More! Have a wonderful life.Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018). Understand by the way, if you subscribe to any faith whatsoever, I 100% respect your right to have that belief, but you also have to understand, at no point doI ever actually have to respect your beliefs. She did a sad little post about it, we all screen grabbed it, put it in the group. Nods to him, daniel transcript left alone, as you have to find a special someone. I guess if youre like maybe like a father, you got kids thats cool. 'DANIEL SLOSS: SOCIO' From the creator of Netflix hit shows 'DARK' & 'JIGSAW' + 'Daniel Sloss: X' Exclusively Streaming Worldwide on DanielSloss.com 'Daniel Sloss: SOCIO' costs just 5 GBP for 12 months of unlimited access.
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